Friday, May 29, 2009

from donuts to dragons

'let's see, uh, gimme one dozed glazed, one dozen chocolate, one dozen assorted, and throw in a large iced coffee.'

'would you like any croissants to go with that?'

'no thank you.'

'how about an english muffin or a gallon of chocolate milk to wash it all down?'

'no thanks, i'm all set.'

'okay, do you know about our frequent buyer program?'

'yeah, actually, im kinda in a hurry, if you dont mind.'

'certainly. no problem, sir. i understand. church starts promptly at 9:30. i get that barked at me most every sunday. k let me get this totaled up here- looks like it comes out to 17.34'

jimmy grimmaced at the total. it was their sunday to bring the donuts to sunday school. it comes around about every two months and every time it seems there is less money in the bank and the price of donuts keeps rising rising rising. maybe, he pondered, i could have left off the iced coffee, but claire would throw a fit. gotta keep up with traditions. as he slid the 2.64 into his wallet, he casually glanced at the contents therein. a five and four ones. a new grand total of 11.64 til friday. 11.64, a quarter tank of gas in a car that only starts when its in the mood, five cigarettes, late bills, and its forgiveness sunday. of all the themes, all the topics, nothing made jimmy squirm like forgiveness.'forgiveness is fucking bullshit' he whispered to himself as he got in the car and handed claire the coffee.

'whats that, dear?'

'huh, oh nothing.'

'i thought i heard you say something, whatdya say?'

'oh, uh, just singing a little diddy to myself, thats all.'

'ah, well we better hurry. its 9:26. we'll probably be late.'

'yeah, the girl at the counter was trying to sell me the whole store. now lets see if the car will start.'

'i told you, shoulda left it running.'

'that would waste gas. and kill the earth. gotta stay green, right?'

one turn and nothing. two turns and nothing.

'third time is the charm, eh?'

these lame little jokes, these little cliches to break the silence, these little attempts to soften the mood are only slightly tolerable to jimmy on a good day.

'on a day like today its fucking unbearable' he whispered to himself.

'whats that, sweety?'

'ah nuthin, just singin that song some more.'

the third time was the charm after all. pulling out of the parking lot, jimmy grimmaced and grabbed his leg in pain.

'cramps again?'

'yeah.'

'sorry, pookie.'

'its okay. theyll go away.'

if only they would go away. for the last month, they havent been going away. sharp shooting charlie horses that run up and down the leg like thoroughbreds. again, on a good day its manageable, on a day like today, its fucking unbearable.

'jimmy, how are you going to act today'

'uh, i dont know what you mean'

'oh hush, you know exactly what i mean. are you going to roll your eyes at people?'

'not if they dont say something condescending and idiotic, like-- ohh jimmyboy, you didnt get any cremefilled longjohns. but thats allright, jimmyboy, i forgive you because its forgiveness sunday. or as long as we dont get 'forgiven' for being a couple of minutes late.

'well can you just try to behave in a civilized manner?'

'i can try, but if john tries his propheshit where all he really does is insult and lambaste and judge all in the name of gods voice or some dream or vision he had, i might come unfuckingglued'

as it turns out, jimmy himself, while skeptical to prophesies and the pandoras box that becomes of them, turned out to be in top nostradamus form that morning. just as predicted, as he and claire walked in a few minutes late, the whole class joined in unison, in perfect chorus, perfect pitch, perfect harmony, and perfect cheezy shiteating grins at how truly clever they thought they were, said 'we forgive you for being late because its forgiveness sunday!!!'
much to the dismay of claire and a few others who valued the comforts of tradition, they started class with prayer requests instead of doing prayer requests last. this kind of refreshed jimmy. so much so that he even voiced a prayer request about his creeping leg syndrome. this was extremely out of character for jimmy, but he figured its gotten bad enough. there have been days where he had to call into work and just lay in a ball on the bed writhing in pain. money was getting tighter and tighter and tensions about it with claire were escalating. upon hearing of jimmys unfortunate leg situation, john so eagerly volunteered to pray for jimmy.

'lord we come before you today, gathered in this room to seek your healing on jimmys leg. it says in your word lord that whenever two or more are gathered in your name that they shall be healed. we are gathered and believe, lord. so heal him. now. it is your desire, lord, for us to be healthy and strong. sickness is a work of the enemy. right now, in your name, we cast satan out of jimmy, lord god. we repel his attacks and demand him to leave residence of jimmys body. satan, we are giving you a pink slip from jimmys body and heart and mind. no longer satan will you be allowed to manifest yourself in jimmys leg, his foulmouthed language, his impure heart, impure thoughts, cigarette addiction, and inability to bring a substantial income into your kindgom, lord'

and on cue the crowd says amen. and jimmys blood is boiling. and atheism has never looked so attractive. and punching a fat balding fuck right in the face has never sounded better. and claire has the look of fear that the punch will actually take place and is squeezing jimmys hand in hopes and prayers that he will be able to control himself. and the class goes on. and the class chats of forgiveness and kindness and a great loving god and a great loving christ and aspiring to be just like the great loving christ who forgives rapists and murders and the lower classes.
at the end of sunday school, our world famous john proceeds to share words from the lord about how he forgives everyone in this room for their iniquities, down the list of names, in alphabetical order, with their offending characteristic attatched. john forgives rachel adams for her jezebel spirit. john forgives tommy billings for his lack of compassion to the poor and needy. john forgives susan everett for the divorce she had. john forgives jimmy for conjuring up leg cramps in order to gain attention to himself. and since he was on such a roll and wanted to show how forgiving and christlike he truly is, john begins to weep and shake and forgive the person who murdered his twin brother ten years ago. he says today is the first day this has happened and everyone in the room thinks back the handful of times he has forgiven this murderer. john forgives the murderer and then proceeds to forgive god.

jimmy feels a whisper rising through his belly at warp speed and is powerless to stop it.

'what a fucking saint.'

it was just loud enough that it you werent exactly sure if you heard what you thought you heard, but you were pretty darn sure.

'jimmy, did you have something to add?'

'ah no, just singing a praise song, thats all, just praising god for johns breakthrough.'

the class comes to conclusion with the obligatory handshakes and fakesmiles and everyone chats about the cowboy game and getting together for yahtzee night soon, real soon. after church on the ride home, claire had the bright idea to go out for lunch, try to forget about the events of the morning.

'well, we really dont have the money. we have 11.64 til friday, the bills are already late, the car needs a starter, im almost out of cigarettes, and the car is almost out of gas'

'dont worry about it'

'dont worry about it?'

'yeah, it will all work out!'

'hows it gonna all work out? and besides, this check is going to be short because of the two days i spent last week in bed'

'i just have a feeling it will all work out!'

'im not taking a penny from your family. especially uncle fucking john after that little parade show of his this morning.'

'he just doesnt know how to communicate. hes old and out of touch. he really doesnt mean to be offensive.'

'doesnt mean to be offensive???? did you HEAR the cowshit he was spouting??? ah, fuck it, im about to explode, lets go get some damn quesadillas.'

the quesadillas didnt really distract jimmy. nor did the rest of the days events. and especially not monday as he smoked his last cigarette that morning. several days went by and jimmys little mind just raced and raced and raced into boiling rage. not just in oversensitivity to some hurtful words, but because john does this to everyone all the time. he thought about forgiveness and trying to forgive john, but he concluded that john was a coyote who eats sheep night after night over and over and smiles gleefully with a crazy lustful eye as the blood oozes between his teeth down into the mangy beard, with no intention of ever changing. and its not like some stranger who punches you in the face who your never gonna see again. it would be easy to forgive that person. with john, its every family function, every softball game, every sunday morning you have to look at his stupid bald head.

jimmy knew that he had to do something as it was eating him away. a fresh batch of ulcers and insomnia and high blood pressure to go along with the creeping crampy crablegs that didnt get healed but actually got worse. he knew he couldnt settle it over a lunch discussion without losing his cool, and besides, john wouldnt listen anyways.why would a 49 year old veteran statesman of the church listen to anything a little shit like jimmy had to say. jimmy is poor, smokes, cusses, and doesnt have enough faith for his leg to be healed. jimmy thought back to all the heinous words from the lord that john has given and all of his little 'letters' that outline a persons innate character flaws and admonish them and then usually end with "but god loves you anyways and so do i." inspiration from a deep dark place welled up within him. he rushed home from work, pulled out the yellow legal pad, the ballpoint pen, and spilled out the following 'forgiveness letter'

Dear Uncle John,

god loves you and so do i. god forgives you and so do i. i forgive you for twisting scriptures to serve your demented desires. i forgive you for speaking to people with a voice of malice under the guise of the voice of god. i forgive you fore every false dream, vision, and prophesy that you have laid upon our family the last three years. i forgive you in advance for the continual judgment and scorn that you will pass. i forgive you for your pious smarmy little face. i forgive you for ignoring the real and serious needs of your immediate family and instead "reaching out". i forgive you for being a racist prick who gives openly in public to "people of color" to make yourself feel better about your disgusting views that they are not people but in fact "colored people". i forgive you for everything you have ever done and everything you will ever do. i forgive you for being a mangy coyote who eats sheep on a continual basis. i realize that as a coyote, you dont feel you have the capacity to change who you are. but i have a divine vision that you really have a lion heart somewhere down in your ragged coyote body and the lord wants to use you as a lion of great regal majesty who will protect the lambs from coyotes and wolves and sneaky foxes.
i opened my bible today and it just fell open to Icorinthians 13:8. the lord tells me that you have got to stop seeing people through the eyes of a klansmen, and start seeing them the way god sees them. the lord tells me that you have got to stop viewing wealth as an a measuring stick of spiritual wholeness or character and health as equal to faith and start viewing people the way god views them. the lord tells me that somewhere in you, really hidden and guarded, is a tender heart. the lord tells me that he wants to shoo away all of the gates and locks and moats and flamethrowing dragons away and let your true heart out, but you will have to be the one to seek it out and ask the lord to help you.
i know you have been hurt in life, my friend, but everyone has. every person that you judge has been through the shitstorm as well. the lord tells me to tell you that its his job to judge, not yours. god loves you and so do i. god wants to see that innocent heart of a child come out and so do i.
god forgives you and so do i.
love in christ, jimmy.

oh man his little fingers were just amped and revved writing that out. it was so perfect. the exact kind of horsehit things that john tells people, slammed back in his face. jimmy hoped that this letter would enlighten john how truly horrific he acts. how truly ridiculous the letters are. jimmy started to get a little nervous that letter was too malicious and started to get cold feet and started to think about taking the high road and started to think about being the better man and started to think about really truly forgiving john, not like in the letter, but actual forgiveness.
he shooed away those thoughts like a flamethrowing dragon and rushed out out to the post office, bought a stamp and headed the mailbox when he chickened out. he couldnt do it. it was too venomous. too vitriolic. too sarcastic. it came from a place of malice. you cant fight malice with malice. the only way to fight malice is with love.

he realized through his own horseshit words, that he needed to view john the way god does. there was actually some truth to the sarcastic pile of rubbish hatefilled letter.

his newfound spiritual maturity, however, could not contain him from turning the letter into a fictional short story and posting it onto his blog.


the end.

Saturday, May 23, 2009

as love has been contracting and unable to do a billion things all at once all day long every day of the week, i have been attempting to help out. there have been cocoabutter baths and lots of "thats not the way mommy does it." they are incredibly fun and incredibly nonstop. kind of like so.

kind of in the same vain, wrote this-

it would be pretty easy
to find the creator
the divine spark
the loving caring
inspiring beautiful god
in say for instance
the grand canyon
the stillness of a bubbling brook
the moon reflected in your lover's eye
it would come naturally
to be at peace
to be one
to be in the moment
alone in a dewy meadow
surrounded by honeysuckle and lavender
with dirty toes
and open skies
blessed be the one
to arrive in spiritual wholeness
in the midst of toddlers
throwing halfbagels at the wall
stepping in bowls of macaroni
demanding a different colored straw
blessed be the one
to achieve otherworldly nirvana
in the company of 2009 america
with adults bickering as toddlers
with a constant stream of aggression
a media relentless
a noise unending
asphalt and concrete our flowers
blessed be the one
to break through our bullshit
to the heart of what really matters
to find the beauty in the muck
to discover the serenity in the mire


Friday, May 22, 2009

just sayin...


spelunking with vonnegut

So i have this dozedream of me and lovey rappelling down mt rushmore. we are totally decked out in 80s gear- lots of tight fuchsia and tiedye complete with the boots that go halfway up your calves. the best part is that we are not sliding down some lame president but this guy:



we slide from the glorious moustache and picnic inside of the cavernous mouth. i am convinced this dream is highly spiritual and mystical in nature and am searching deep to find meaning.