Sunday, July 18, 2010

Why i havent been blogging-

Lately I've taken to posting consumer reviews of products that I don't technically or actually or remotely at all own. Or in some cases have the slightest idea of what the product is or does. The process is so satisfying that iI'm dumbfound I was able to live 26 years without it.

Certainly my creative urge is more than appeased. I truly believe that some of my most lucid writing has not been in the novel, or the stories, or the poems, or the satirical essays, or the blog, but in the 3 part manifesto on why the 3500S model of the portable clothes steamer by Daewoo is vastly superior to the doubly priced 7100G model. Pure poetry in reasoning, friends. You should see my fingers Whoooosh blazing the keyboard. Like a flash for sure. Then sweatypalmed my exhausted hand moves the mouse to click submit and it's the feeling I imagine Shakespeare having while he quilled that last period in Romeo and Juliet. When you KNOW, not just think, but KNOW that what you have just managed to accomplish was purely inspired by a divine being greater than yourself. You get the chills and start to get weak in the knees just awestruck by the beauty and you're so grateful that you could be the lowly vessel for the Voice.

Of course, not every time can be so magical. With the sheer quantity I've been pouring out, not everything can be so majestic. See, I'm trying to get at least 20 products reviewed every single night, therefore sometimes I copy and paste from ebay feedbacks and change "ebay seller" to said product. for instance, my favorite from tonight has been my review of a roll of Mohawk carpet with 5 year stain resistance warranty-

A+++++ super great carpet!!!!!! Super fast ship!!!!!!!!!! Loved it!!!! Highly recommended!!!!!!

Another sampling of tonight's work includes a snippet from a review of a love-seat by Ashley-

While the advertisement speaks of a "Slightly Chocolate Corduroy", I found it to be more of a "Caledonian Forrest Brown."

Sometimes I'll say that shakers don't shake. Rollers don't roll. Ramblers don't ramble. Sometimes I'll mention how the three tiered abstract bookshelf from IKEA has revolutionized my organizational capacity while simultaneosly providing the modern sense of panache that more acutely personifies my personality.

I was beginning to get worried about myself. Worried about my self being. That while in itself it's not a destructive activity per se, maybe I'm sliding down that slope towards rock bottom. Doing twenty a night. Waking up to go to the bathroom and sneaking over to the computer just to mention that- "My new Swiffer Wet Jet has been the most economical way I've found to consistently keep the kitchen floor sparkling like an Antarctic glacier on a wistful July evening.'
I thought, you know, maybe since I have an addictive personality type to begin with, you know, maybe this is getting out of control. Just like heroin, just like crack. But here's how I'm justifying. Here's what I'm comforting myself with. Currently it's creative and in the future it's going to be lucrative. When i stroll in to the main office of LL Bean with proof positive of 10000 "helpful reviews" ( i've become so fond of them ive shortened the name to "helpies" so crisp. so concise.) surely i'll be reviewing the new line of cargo shorts from LL Bean and getting paid crazy good American money to do so. See, it's all for my family. All for the kids. It's a beautifil cycle. I review the vast wasteland of consumer products so that in turn I can get a crazy good American job that will alllow me to actually afford to purchase all of the consumer porodcuts that I've been reviewing all along.

And to even further justify myself, it truly is a useful service I provide. It's almost as useful as helping villages get clean water and medical supplies. In fact, upon further review, in a way, it is basically the same. Who's to say the Ubuntu is more important than a housewife in Des Moine. the Ubuntu has needs and Des Moine housewife has needs. The Ubuntu hut wife needs some grains to make mushmeal for seven children. The Des Moine housewife needs to KNOW about the true sucking capacity of the Hoover 3000 Supraluxicor. And not just from what the box says. The box lies. I mean, when you really think about it, it's a humanitarian act. It's a local act. It's a global act. My scope is never ending. So many helpies to get. What do I get from a poem, a blog, a story? A "good job" from my wife or mom and 47 comments from Korean robots. But when post on the Wal*Mart website that the new toaster from G E "would be better served to propel the toast in the air just a little. For the thrill. Not all the way out like a cannon so it falls on the Swiffered floor, but you know, just for a little dance before the date with butter." I get 37 helpies. I get 37 helpies and my spirits propel in the air, just a little, for a dance with the clouds.