emma doesnt understand my job and neither do i really.

i was thinking today about a conversation i had with emma a few weeks ago in which she was asking me where i worked and what i did at work. i said that i make yards pretty and she figured i put flowers in them. i didnt exactly have the heart to tell her that all day long i kill weeds, as to her weeds are nothing other than beautiful flowers. every dandelion every henbit every chickweed to her is something to marvel at and pick to give to someone.

id have to say that i agree with her and that having a weed free thick dark green yard is at least unnecessary and at most kind of disturbing. it would seem to be a complete display of opulence, but the funny thing is i do yards every day in which the house is not grand, theres broken down cars, refrigerators in the back yard etc. somehow and somewhere along the way the idea that weedcontrol is a necessity like cable has crept in. but really, its completely ridiculous. the thought crosses my mind often that i make a living doing something completely irrelevant. but then i think, what isnt in our economy? when you really think about it, just about every occupation in 2009 america could be considered completely frivolous and unnecessary. and then theres the idea that when i worked at the nature park with the city chemical free and days full of poetic beauty, that was awesome and i loved it, but made 8 dollars an hour 30 hours a week. now i work 50+ and make some weeks three times what i used to. so then, i wonder where is the line between doing something wholesome and worthwhile vs taking care of your family. not that my job is immoral, just unnecessary.

and then there are people who take it one step further and assume that since i spray chemicals and apply fertilizer that i am raping the earth or doing something that will give me cancer or make my testicles fall off. i was much more concerned with bleaching the blood and urine and pubic hairs from the restrooms at 7-11 and handling money all day, or when i was mowing all day sucking in exhaust fumes and noise pollution walking through plumes of dust having chainsaws rip my pants etc. unless i were to go stand at the top of a creek and just unload my whole 300 gallon tank into it, the lawn chemicals arent going to runoff and go swimming down the river with the frogs and turtles. im sure that every citizen of portland would disagree with me, but id also bet that they all have their lawns sprayed in secret.

i guess my point is that id love to do something worthwhile that a good buddhist could do in clear conscience, but my responsibility mainly is to effie and the kids, so until theres someone who wants to give me what i make now for planting squash and zucchini or painting smiley faces on sidewalks or write poems and novels all week long, im gonna just be at peace with what im doing. even though its absurd.